December 31, 2020 - the last day of the year, the one we celebrate all the good that happened throughout the year, and let go of everything else. But I don't want to do that without knowing I learned something from the things that seemed the most difficult. I want to reflect and give gratitude to move forward. I most certainly don't want to carry it. I want to enter 2021, lighter, free, and at peace. And with intention. I encountered many challenges in the year as most of you did, that could make me say that it wasn't a year that I'd like to remember or that it wasn't a good year. But I think if we can change our perception, we could see all the positives. I realize that this year was challenging, hard and perhaps life-threatening for many. And I really hope we can enter the new year on a positive note, just as we always do on New Year's Eve.
Sometimes things don't go as planned. We have to pivot in order to see a positive change in it. I don't want things to go back to the way they were pre-pandemic, because those ways weren't working. Obviously, those ways are what led us here too feeling this way. Those ways, are the reasons why a lot of the things went the way they did for 2020. We need to be better. We need to be better in order to get better. And I think 2020 was a lesson, a wake up call, and maybe a slap to the head that we needed. Instead of focusing on what everyone is focusing on, which is 'the bad' of it, why not shift to find the good and shift our attention there to become better.
I entered 2020, the beginning of this year, somewhere else. I was in a different town, I had a full time job. I had a different boyfriend and my focus was so uncertain. I didn't feel right where I was, I was trying so hard to create a life that just wasn't for me that I think I lost who I was for a bit and where it was going until it hit me. If I don't make a choice, I was choosing all of this. So it was up to me to create the life I wanted. But I kept making up reasons to stay and would hope it would magically happen for me. But it wouldn't, and it didn't. Then one day I woke up alone. Living in Paradise, - on a lake. I felt free and at peace there. This gave me the time to recharge, gain clarity, and really think about what I wanted and what I needed to do to get there. I chose to change the
path that I originally set out on. Do you ever have that feeling that something isn't right? It just doesn't sit right deep in your gut. And you spend so much time trying to figure out what it is and what to do with it. So you ask everyone you try and get advice you talk to your closest friends or family members trying to make sense out of this feeling you feel and trying to justify it. But that feeling is real. And I feel like if you have to keep questioning where you stand in any area of your life in any situation. Maybe it's time to stand out. Otherwise, you will continue to stand still.
I stepped out onto a new life. I had nothing. Nothing but gratitude. And when I chose to let my heart and gut guide me that's when everything shifted for me.
2020 showed me that change is good. It showed me what is important. Whenever I felt angry or frustrated or sad about something which did happen quite often throughout the year, I took it as an unhealed wound. It was a trigger for something that I had been hiding away or that I didn't want to deal with, or that I didn't acknowledge before.
But this time, when I felt that I took the time, and the proper steps to heal it, it was wounds that I no longer wanted to hide, I needed to heal it to move forward.
I am happy for 2020 and for what it taught me. And I'm confident to head into 2021 feeling and being my most authentic self, and to speak my truth. I know that I wanted to live and live happy. So I had to stop carrying around the past. I had to stop trying to force something that wasn't for me anyway. When you have to force something, you will soon learn along the way that it might not be for you. This is where I learned to let things just happen naturally, with whatever feeling that I was feeling to let it happen. Being on my own in that tiny cabin on the lake gave me my truth and allowed me to just focus and allowed me the space to just be I chose to move forward and to heal. And that's probably around the time the pandemic was declared.
I lost my job, which even though I loved it, it served me for as long as I needed to. It provided a safe space. it gave me new friendships that I'll cherish forever. It gave me an experience that led me to where I am today.
I got on a path to get more focused on my finances. I started to really just live on what I needed, and not what I wanted or was striving to get. I wouldn't have been able to do that had I not changed had I not changed. When I got real deep and clear with who I wanted to be, I started to live in such a way that I could be proud of who I was. I had respect, worth and value for myself. To give you a bit of context on my finances last year, I always JUST made enough to pay bills and eat. I never had enough left over. Something always came up to take away any little I had left over. I always kept applying for extra work but it never happened during that time. It was difficult - but I kept on.
Now, since I work from home - I spend less gas going out, I cook at home, I spend very little on extra things I don't really need. I have a savings, and I'm ahead on all my bills. I have created a strong plan for the year ahead to get even more ahead and I've never felt more determined.
When I started to show up for myself, I attracted what I desired and deserved. I was learning from my past and decided not to carry it forward anymore. It allowed me to enjoy unconditional love for who I was. I remember writing a letter to myself early on in the year detailing my life as if I already had it. Not long after I wrote that letter, everything started to shift for me.
The man I was looking for he showed up. Instead of running from the unknown. I ran toward it. The love that I have for him is real. Nothing is forced, complicated or uncertain about it. It's the kind of love I knew existed. It showed up for me when I was ready for this type of love. Now fast forward 10 months, we are engaged and living together. Every day we are becoming better for each other.
By learning how to be happy alone, I learned how to appreciate who I was.
Since we both took that time to heal old wounds, we face the parts that were uncomfortable and we really learned how to be vulnerable. By doing that, we got the best versions of one another. What I've learned is if you Don't face the pain, you will continue to repeat old patterns. And I didn't want to repeat anymore. I needed a new path. I found love for myself when I decided to respect myself and have compassion for myself to heal is to let go of the past, but know how to learn from it. And doing this, I am enjoying the relationships with the people around me now. When I lost my job, I took a four month break to gain alignment. I hadn't been without a job since I was probably 15 years old. So it felt a little bit uncomfortable. But I needed it. I started to work on the things that I wanted to do. But because I use the excuse, I don't have the time, I never did them. But now I didn't have that excuse. I did them. I put serious work into creating my own brand again, and pouring into personal projects. I spent so much more time getting to know me my new love and exploring new territory without leaving where we lived.
I lived in a travel trailer for a month, which I have to be honest, I thought would be the worst experience. I tried to run from that too. And that didn't happen. That experience actually ended up being one of the best experiences this year. I lived without hydro for a while and started to really get used to taking cold showers, which apparently is good for you. I learned how to appreciate what I have and not focus on what I didn't. When I thought I needed to fill my downtime with a new job. This actually led me to realize what I actually wanted to do. I'm now working from home, working with amazing people andI truly feel that I am meant to be right here.
The choices I made earlier this year led me here and I'm so grateful for everyone who has been part of this journey. 2020 taught me to love to appreciate to stand still and listen when I felt uncertain. It taught me forgiveness, healing, and to take down the walls I was hiding behind. It taught me to respect myself in a way that I never knew how.
As I sit here on December 31 2020 reflecting on the year, I know this year, especially wasn't easy. It made us face parts that we weren't ready too. But it taught us lessons that we can take into the New Year to allow us to move forward with awareness, love, gratitude, and on a path to heal and grow. We need to look back into the past, face the parts that make us feel a certain way. Give it gratitude for showing you what it did. I wish you all the best in 2021. I thank you so much for being part of my journey.
For me, I don't want to say goodbye to 2020 I'd like to say thank you and I'd like to welcome 2021 with a smile, open arms and a glass of wine at my table.
Thank you for your time and attention.
I hope your year ahead is as beautiful as you make it and want it to be.
With love,
Michelle